malnpudl: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] malnpudl at 11:38am on 09/10/2015
Whoops... posted this to LJ last night and forgot to cross-post to DW.

I would apologize for the disappearing act, but it seems like entirely too many of my posts have consisted largely of confessions of failure and apologies, so take it as read, okay?

Bottom line: I maintained my record of never having a full-blown psychiatric emergency, but it was a near thing. Depression is sneaky, so very sneaky, and as has so often happened, I was in appalling shape by the time I figured out things were bad, and by then they were very, very bad.

The good news is that my old primary care doc retired, and I was inherited by his partner, my new primary care doc, who is a hundredfold improvement. He's a communicator. He talks to me and he listens to me. He works with me, not at me, and together we've made a lot of improvements in my physical health.

The great news is that new doc referred me to a psychiatrist who is a perfect fit for me. Within the first few minutes of my first appointment, it was clear that he gets me. He respects my intelligence and the knowledge I have of myself, my history, and my condition. He listens to and respects my priorities. He is an absolutely wonderful working partner in my mental health care and I am infinitely grateful.

As a result of both docs' efforts, I'm now on Pristiq for depression (staggeringly expensive, but it's working better for me than anything has in a very long time); a beta blocker to bring my blood pressure down where it belongs and vastly reduce the appalling drenching sweats that came with the Pristiq (and other antidepressants I've tried in the past); and, the most recent addition, Adderall for ADHD and extreme somnolence.

After many months of complete paralyzing inertia and socked-in brain fog to the point where I couldn't even read or watch television except for the most mortifyingly dumbed-down pablum, I am now functional.

I'll say that again: I am now functional. I have a life. I don't spend my days drowsing apathetically on the couch. I stay awake all day. I do things. I get bored; that alone is amazing.

I had grown to fear and distrust hope over the years, because it was virtually always followed by crushing disappointment.

For the first time in a very long time, it actually feels safe to hope.

This is all pretty new. I'm coming up on 3 months with Pristiq and only just into the third week with Adderall. But I'm almost giddy with cautious hope and relief. This is the best my brain and body have been in at least six years.

I almost didn't sign up for due South Seekrit Santa this year. I've failed at so many things for so long, it was hard to trust that these changes will last and I can really count on myself to fulfill this commitment (and others). But it feels solid. So I went for it. I believe I can do this, and do other things.

I'm still a disabled person with refractory major depressive disorder (among other things). That won't ever change. But now I can be who I am and still have a life. It's huge.

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