malnpudl: (Default)
Mal ([personal profile] malnpudl) wrote2015-04-10 10:21 pm

Rising from the depths

The sneaky thing about depression -- well, one of them; it's a sneaky disease in so many ways -- is that I often can't tell just how badly I am (or was) doing until I start to come up out of a deep trough. And looking back even these few weeks, wow, I really had no idea how far down that was. And I'm still only halfway out.

I think the new antidepressant dosage has pretty much stabilized at whatever it's going to do, and I like it. I have to force an awful lot of double-strength black tea down my gullet in the morning before I'm good for anything but shuffling around like a stoned zombie, but at least when I do, it works and I can get functional. More functional than I've been in some time, actually.

I've been doing a lot of cooking -- as opposed to eating purchased, prepared convenience foods and sandwiches and pretty much nothing else, as previously -- and keeping up with the post-cooking clean-up astonishingly promptly. My blood sugar is very happy with me, which also helps mood and energy.

I wish I'd known earlier that apples are diabetic magic food, at least for me. I like them, but don't love them, so I am happy to eat them but have zero temptation to gorge. They satisfy my sweet tooth but are almost carb-neutral in their effect on my blood sugar. Chicken salad made with apples and chopped nuts is brilliant for making me feel sated and indulged without noticeably raising my sugars. Coolness. For variety, an orange or a couple of clementines also work nicely on all fronts.

I also now get bored and restless at some point most days, which is awesome. Those of you who've lived with depression know exactly what I'm talking about. It's amazing, isn't it? Not to be utterly and overwhelmingly inert by default, not to have to work so damn hard just to do anything at all, ever? Way cool.

And that has led to me falling more or less naturally into a habit of doing some of my physical therapy exercises for my knees plus a variety of other isometric stuff that I pretty much invent on the fly depending on what feels right. I spend some time doing this nearly every day, whenever I plop down on the couch to watch TV. Feels good. And it gets me breathing deeply, which is also not something I'm in the habit of doing and also feels good. I'm not pushing it or guilting if it doesn't happen on any given day, just appreciating what I do achieve, whenever and whatever it is.

Still on unstable ground with the BFF. I'm still not entirely sure where I stand with her, but at least I now feel close to being able to have a conversation with her about it. I think her doc really needs to know that the steroids are messing with her head, and for that to happen, first she'll need to hear it and accept it. And that will also require that I make her feel free and safe to say what she's feeling about me, whatever it is, and convince her that withholding anything in an attempt to spare me any harsh truths would be doing both of us a great and damaging disservice. Not quite ready for that yet; I need to make sure I'm as stable as I'm going to get first. But it's coming up. And while it may be difficult, that's actually a really good thing, because it needs to happen.

Not all that much happening with me fannishly, at least not actively, since something out there is pollenating so enthusiastically that I am a mucus factory in full production 24/7, and that's even after taking Allegra, Flonase, and even the occasional Sudafed. That has tabled my podficcing briefly until whatever is having plant sex out there is done getting its rocks off. Shouldn't be too long, though. (ETA: Pollen count is 10 on a 0-12 scale. Tree sex. Lots and lots of slutty tree sex. They should get a room.)

In the mean time, I accidentally read half a million words of Hermione/Snape fic. On FFN. This week. And I don't seem to be done yet. I don't even know. Apparently my id wants this particular form of gratification at the moment? And I'm having a good time? All righty, then. It'll do. For now, it'll do.

TL;DR: Doing a lot better. Still a lot of ground to cover on that front. Life is a lot less worse than it's been in rather a long time. Progress is good, and feels good.
sperrywink: (Off My Rocker)

[personal profile] sperrywink 2015-04-11 12:12 pm (UTC)(link)
I definitely hear you about not seeing the deep hole you are in until you are partway or all-the-way out of it. Depression is so sneaky! For me, I am finally beginning to recognize (after 30 years) the behaviors I sink into when depressed, and use those as indicators, and ignore the emotioanl stuff, because that is just too hard. But when I start reading fanfic around the clcok, and avoid life, total red alert. (I'm still working on breaking out of the habits and resuming real life, but one step at a time).

Good luck with your depression, and the BFF. I hope the conversation isn't as hard as you fear.

j00j: rainbow over east berlin plattenbau apartments (Default)

[personal profile] j00j 2015-04-11 12:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Glad you're doing a lot better! <3
sage: photo of two polar bears standing on hind legs, embracing. (bear hug)

[personal profile] sage 2015-04-11 03:15 pm (UTC)(link)
*hugs much*
seascribe: (Default)

[personal profile] seascribe 2015-04-11 04:01 pm (UTC)(link)
I am glad to hear you're doing better!
isis: (Default)

[personal profile] isis 2015-04-11 04:06 pm (UTC)(link)
So glad your health is on the upswing! But clearly it's messing with your discriminatory taste, because gah, Snape/Hermione! :-)
luzula: a Luzula pilosa, or hairy wood-rush (Default)

[personal profile] luzula 2015-04-11 04:17 pm (UTC)(link)
Hi there! Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. *hugs* And I hope that upswing continues.
paian: Richard Dean Anderson eating a strawberry, caption 'mmmm' (mmmm... by me)

[personal profile] paian 2015-04-11 06:47 pm (UTC)(link)
So glad to hear the good things, and I am hoping all the best for you and the BFF.

Apples and clementines, mmmmmm.

Plant sex, pls to be finishing up now kthnx.
coreopsis: text from Jonathan Coulton's song Code Monkey (code monkey likes you by bloodygoodgirl)

[personal profile] coreopsis 2015-04-11 10:10 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm glad you are doing better. I totally understand about not seeing how deep the hole was until you've climbed half way out of it. I've totally been at that place many times too. So yeah, I hope that the climb up continues so that you can get on good solid ground with the BFF. (have I belabored this metaphor enough yet? :)

And I just had a little chuckle at I don't even know. Apparently my id wants this particular form of gratification at the moment? because OMG this is where I end up so many times and I'm just, like, wait...what? Well if it's working then let's roll with it until it doesn't anymore. Of course my id keeps landing on stuff that doesn't have half a million words total so I keep stomping my foot like a spoiled brat and whining but whyyyyyy isn't there mooooooooore????? LOL

um. yeah. HI! I'm Ms Chatty tonight and obviously I miss chatting with you. We need to do that more often. :D Hope the trees get their libidos under control so you can get back to podficcing again soon. :D
brigantine: (daffyhood sings)

[personal profile] brigantine 2015-04-12 11:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Yays for feeling better! Happy blood sugar is happy! \o/

I hope the chat with BFF goes well!
miera_c: mine? (animal)

[personal profile] miera_c 2015-04-13 01:45 am (UTC)(link)
I am considering trying to talk to a therapist about my depression (which has never been officially diagnosed but I have a feeling a professional would hear about my thoughts and patterns and go "Yup") but I keep finding excuses. Moving provides endless ways to avoid anything but moving. Sigh.

I wish I could eat apples. They make my stomach cramp up badly, alas. I've had more luck with pears, not sure exactly why. Grapes I've also found are helpful for sweet-but-not-dangerous snacking. Also they help me sleep.

*many hugs*
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[personal profile] feroxargentea 2015-04-13 04:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Bored and restless and defying inertia? Fantastic :)