verushka70: CKR's hands are just so damn sexy. (CKR's hands)
posted by [personal profile] verushka70 at 11:39pm on 24/01/2017
As I abandon LJ (except for using my Gmail OpenID, which bypasses the Russian-located no-longer-https LJ servers), I saw that you had added me on DW. Thanks! Then I saw this post of yours.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dog (and what a cool name). That is so hard. Letting them go is the same as letting any loved one go. You're glad they don't have to suffer, but you mourn and you miss them so MUCH. I have lost a few pets over the last several years and it is hard, SO hard. Even though this is extraordinarily late, you have my sympathies.

Re: the paralysis of will... having been on ADs since around 1990 myself, on many different kinds over the years, I completely relate. Knowing I need to do something does not, however urgent it may be, equate to actually doing it. Some time over the last decade I saw that described as 'amotivational syndrome' but I think that is a bullshit term for something that is clearly biochemical/neurotransmitter related. It did improve vastly on Adderall. Unfortunately, the Adderall also boosted my BP up into 160/100, 180/100 range -- and I don't have high BP (perhaps I should say, I don't have it yet). So they took me off it, and I descended back int my usual scatterbrained slowing of self.

In the last year perimenopause and a lot of other physical shit has dogged me into near paralysis. It was all I could do to drag myself to work and drag myself back home. My house regularly suffers from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). The few friends who do occasionally come by know it's going to be a crazy mess because it's always a crazy mess. My bathroom is clean, my kitchen is (mostly) clean, I have clean plates and silverware to eat off of; sometimes that is the most I can manage. Such is my life, and it has been for several years, and I don't see that changing until I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Even a recent med change to nortriptyline, while vastly improving my sleep and boosting my mood, has not changed that (I was on amitriptyline years ago, so I had a hunch that would happen... but it will inevitably decline; it's just a matter of when, not if). I still get home from work on Fridays and often do not go out or do anything until I leave for work again Monday mornings. Dealing with people and social engagements is very taxing, and I deal with a lot of people who want stuff all day every day that I work. Being DONE dealing with people doesn't help my isolation, but it is literally work to force myself to go out and do stuff. Sometimes I can. A lot of times, I can't. So I often don't. And it's always worse in the winter when the days are short, but it happens plenty in the summer too.

We do the best we can. Put one foot in front of the other day by day. I am glad to hear that your physical activity is increased and you're feeling better. I expect to experience a slight boost with the lengthening of the days, because over the decades, I've noticed that happens.

I don't beat myself up about this stuff anymore. I get enough of that from well-meaning people who don't get it, never have, and never will. Fortunately, being perimenopausal -- hopefully soon menopausal -- I don't much give a fuck what people think anymore. This is who I have been a long time, and who I'll most likely continue to be, and I'm almost always doing the best I can, even when that's neither obvious nor good enough for the Type As (who don't seem any happier than I am, really).

But if that's the only upside I get out of losing my estrogen -- not giving much of a fuck what people think -- well, that's a bonus I wasn't expecting! I look forward to giving less fucks than I already do now. *g*

You take care. I'm glad to hear the Adderall helped immensely. That alone should be PROOF that what ails us is NOT psychological, it is goddamned physiological -- because if it weren't, adding Adderall wouldn't necessarily improve it!

But with or without Adderall -- whatever you can do, it's good enough, dammit. *g*

Don't worry about replying. I fall off the face of the planet regularly, into my own "don't want to do anything/see anyone" world, retreating into reading (and at really bad times, just passively bingewatching stuff because I can't even engage my mind in reading, let alone writing fic).

I certainly would never hold it against anyone if they didn't reply or respond to something. (I've been the recipient too often of people taking my lack of response insanely personally, when it's just the life-long apathy and depression I've always suffered.)