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posted by [personal profile] malnpudl at 11:38am on 09/10/2015
Whoops... posted this to LJ last night and forgot to cross-post to DW.

I would apologize for the disappearing act, but it seems like entirely too many of my posts have consisted largely of confessions of failure and apologies, so take it as read, okay?

Bottom line: I maintained my record of never having a full-blown psychiatric emergency, but it was a near thing. Depression is sneaky, so very sneaky, and as has so often happened, I was in appalling shape by the time I figured out things were bad, and by then they were very, very bad.

The good news is that my old primary care doc retired, and I was inherited by his partner, my new primary care doc, who is a hundredfold improvement. He's a communicator. He talks to me and he listens to me. He works with me, not at me, and together we've made a lot of improvements in my physical health.

The great news is that new doc referred me to a psychiatrist who is a perfect fit for me. Within the first few minutes of my first appointment, it was clear that he gets me. He respects my intelligence and the knowledge I have of myself, my history, and my condition. He listens to and respects my priorities. He is an absolutely wonderful working partner in my mental health care and I am infinitely grateful.

As a result of both docs' efforts, I'm now on Pristiq for depression (staggeringly expensive, but it's working better for me than anything has in a very long time); a beta blocker to bring my blood pressure down where it belongs and vastly reduce the appalling drenching sweats that came with the Pristiq (and other antidepressants I've tried in the past); and, the most recent addition, Adderall for ADHD and extreme somnolence.

After many months of complete paralyzing inertia and socked-in brain fog to the point where I couldn't even read or watch television except for the most mortifyingly dumbed-down pablum, I am now functional.

I'll say that again: I am now functional. I have a life. I don't spend my days drowsing apathetically on the couch. I stay awake all day. I do things. I get bored; that alone is amazing.

I had grown to fear and distrust hope over the years, because it was virtually always followed by crushing disappointment.

For the first time in a very long time, it actually feels safe to hope.

This is all pretty new. I'm coming up on 3 months with Pristiq and only just into the third week with Adderall. But I'm almost giddy with cautious hope and relief. This is the best my brain and body have been in at least six years.

I almost didn't sign up for due South Seekrit Santa this year. I've failed at so many things for so long, it was hard to trust that these changes will last and I can really count on myself to fulfill this commitment (and others). But it feels solid. So I went for it. I believe I can do this, and do other things.

I'm still a disabled person with refractory major depressive disorder (among other things). That won't ever change. But now I can be who I am and still have a life. It's huge.
There are 16 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
sperrywink: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] sperrywink at 07:31pm on 09/10/2015
I'm on Pristiq as well!

It works fantastic for me too (I do need some additional anti-psychotic meds, but the pristiq is the basis).
sage: photo of two polar bears standing on hind legs, embracing. (bear hug)
posted by [personal profile] sage at 08:15pm on 09/10/2015
Oh, this is WONDERFUL! I'm so happy for you! <333
kindkit: A late-Victorian futuristic zeppelin. (Airship)
posted by [personal profile] kindkit at 09:36pm on 09/10/2015
I'm thrilled to hear that you're feeling so much better. Yay!
posted by [personal profile] pudacat at 09:52pm on 09/10/2015
I need to look into this. My Effexor XR has stopped working after 15-20 years. I was in the FDA trials for it. The doc and staff were shocked at how quickly I responded at the time.

I can barely get out of bed, and was recently threatened with being fired because of my "ennui". I knew it wasn't working as well, but that was an eye-opener.

To be fair to myself, my boss way over-reacted due to her personal life, and apologized to me later. I was still very aware when she talked to me she had good reason to. Just, not that harshly.
seascribe: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] seascribe at 10:30pm on 09/10/2015
*hugs* I am glad you are back, and that things are no longer bad. When I was on pristiq in college, my prescriber gave a card for a significant discount. I thought I'd hung onto it, but can't find it now. It might be worth asking about?
akamine_chan: Created by me; please don't take (Default)
posted by [personal profile] akamine_chan at 05:36am on 10/10/2015
Seeing this post makes me very, very happy. <3
nightdog_barks: (Dame Judi)
posted by [personal profile] nightdog_barks at 06:10am on 10/10/2015
Oh, I am so glad you are feeling better! ♥ ♥ ♥

Heh, I remember back in the day when my doc prescribed BuSpar for me. When it kicked in after a few weeks, I felt as if the top of my head had been lifted off to let the sunlight in. I couldn't believe the difference it made.
lamentables: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] lamentables at 06:19am on 10/10/2015
Hurrah for life-saving medications; long may the good effects continue!
shihadchick: text: "makes awesome injoke that references eight different fandoms, three different countries and also curling" (Default)
posted by [personal profile] shihadchick at 07:29am on 10/10/2015
Really, really glad to hear things have improved like this for you, bb <333
mergatrude: a hermit crab peering from it's shell with the text "lurker" (Default)
posted by [personal profile] mergatrude at 10:56am on 10/10/2015

I'm so very glad to hear that things are looking up. Here's to a continuing improvement.
green_grrl: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] green_grrl at 04:03pm on 10/10/2015
Good doctors, good meds, ficcing—I am so, so happy all is going well for you!
isis: (yay!)
posted by [personal profile] isis at 09:55pm on 10/10/2015
Welcome back, sweetie! So happy that you found something that is working for you!
luzula: a Luzula pilosa, or hairy wood-rush (Default)
posted by [personal profile] luzula at 01:07pm on 11/10/2015
I am SO glad to hear that you are doing so much better now! Yay for doctors that get you and meds that work. *hugs*
celli: a woman and a man holding hands, captioned "i treasure" (Default)
posted by [personal profile] celli at 10:03pm on 11/10/2015

I'm getting a neuropsych eval next month to, among other things, see if I meet the criteria for add/adhd. I'm looking forward to it.
scribe: very old pencil sketch of me with the word "scribe" (Default)
posted by [personal profile] scribe at 12:59am on 12/10/2015
So glad to hear it! Hurrah for doctors that listen.
likeaduck: A Vespa motorscooter with giraffe print paint job. "Vespa" logo appears in black behind the scooter. (Default)
posted by [personal profile] likeaduck at 11:09pm on 12/10/2015
Hi there! Glad things have been improving. :)