Passing For Normal

Wellbutrin is the only antidepressant I've been on long-term. I've been told that its withdrawal effects/process is much less fraught than most antidepressants, so that might suggest it might be worth a try. Not like my friend who wanted to have a baby and had to taper off her meds for a *year*. I found that its effects on my creativity were mixed.

The two meds I tried before Wellbutrin made me stupid happy - which would have been a problem if it had continued because my inhibition was way too low. Part of that was the giddy glee I was feeling at having any feelings at all, after a couple of years of pure anhedonia. When I switched to Wellbutrin it was much less mania-inducing, and it helped me a lot with my slow healing process from my worst depressive episode. There were times, looking back, that I was a little flatter than my best self, my most creative self, would have been, but at that point I took the tradeoff because I was able to think and have friends and care about things again.

When I went off it was rather unplanned - a switch to the generic version (due to insurance bullshit) gave me tachycardia, and so I had to go off it pretty quickly. I didn't have any serious problems, but I was also distracted by trying to make sure that my heart wasn't going to explode - heart rate of 150 plus while sitting calmly in a chair is fun, let me tell you. Once I was off it I did feel more creative, did more creative stuff, but was also more volatile. It was almost like the meds raised up the lows but also flattened out the highs.

It's been 2+ years now, I think, and so far I've been able to manage without going back on any meds. I think I'm probably dysthymic, with occasional overlapping major depression, and so far I've been able to manage with non-med interventions like meditation and exercise and managing stress, but I don't have a regular job so that makes it much easier. I'm kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I still struggle at times - I think the worst effect for me is not always having the confidence to follow through with my ideas, to think that they have merit or that anyone else will find them interesting.

But if you feel stuck at the stage where you don't have any ideas at all, or it doesn't feel like it, then I do think that's worth monkeying with your meds for, even if the doc isn't as convinced.